Ask Jan
By: Jan Larsen, The New Hampshire Challenge Staff

This time of year most of us take time to reflect as the end of the year looms and the new year offers hope that things can be better. For me at this time in my life the reflections are even greater. The transition from this year to next cannot happen soon enough. 2009 will always conjure up a deep sadness with the deaths of 3 of my family members. I’ve written about the father of my children who passed away in July. I mentioned that my mother had terminal cancer as well. She was at the Hospice House in Concord until she passed away on September 11^th. I haven’t mentioned my sister. While she had medical issues serious enough to receive Social Security Disability none were considered terminal. She was in and out of the hospital but always recovered. Except for the night she didn’t. She was unresponsive when she was taken to the Concord hospital and while the staff tried their best to bring her back, they weren’t able to revive her.

After being out on Family Medical Leave I returned to work at Moore Center Services but my own grief and the toll it has taken on my health led me to consider retirement. So on January 4th 2010 I will leave MCS for the last time as an employee. Having been an employee since February 1990, I will leave one month short of 20 years. As many of my co-workers and friends have commented I won’t remain ‘retired’ for long.

And I want all who know me to be able to continue to "Ask Jan" whenever a question can’t be answered or an idea needs to be shared. So I will devote my retirement to expanding my role supporting and working with The New Hampshire Challenge.

I will begin with promoting advertising and expanding my column into larger articles. I want to continue the connections I have made not only with the families in my region but all over our state. So I can be reached by email. I will continue to answer questions from my email askjannhchallenge@msn.com. I will not publish any identifying information so these questions will remain anonymous. I value the friendships I have made during my years at Moore Center Services and want everyone to be able continue to communicate with me. I have learned as much from the relationships I have with families than they have learned from me.

So as I look forward to the New Year, I am reminded that for so many parents the diagnosis is the beginning. Two articles have been reprinted in this edition about experiencing the beginning as having to learn about a new culture and language. Check out the anachronisms listed. Please email any that I’ve missed. Soon the Challenge will be expanding to the new media of the internet with the social networking sites to usher us into the new technologies available now. When I was hired at Moore Center Services the Family Support Counsel purchased the third computer in the agency. I still have the typewriter that was used to print the first Connections newsletter. I was the queen of cut and paste!

These recent experiences bring to mind my moving to a new state, trying to find services for my daughter, Christy. I am and will always be telling about stories about Christy as she forged my initial connections into the world of disability. The experiences I had as a young mother with a husband in the military have helped me become the professional I am today.

These experiences have also kept me from becoming a professional who thinks that families need to be fixed. I don’t ever tell anyone "I know how you feel" because I may have had a similar experience - but no one should ever think they know more about a family than the family. Listening to each other, acknowledging that we are "with" families rather than being able to tell families what they need, is what makes them stronger than we could alone with our professional attitude.

Christy has taught me so much. Not only have I learned about behavior management, I learned to listen to my gut feelings and to value that families will and can become stronger with someone by their side as opposed to "leading them" somewhere they don’t need or want to go.

She taught me the best skill I have and one that has helped me most; one I share with every parent I speak with and will use as I begin my new career. Christy has taught me how people learn and how to teach and share my stories about her. ‘Christy language’ is a simple no nonsense way to explain complex ideas. When Christy asks me to explain issues to her I begin with the basics. The difference between Medicare and Medicaid begin with the cards they issue: one is red white and blue and the other is a green card with the Old Man on the Mountain.

Another concept Christy is responsible for is "differently able" because our family didn’t want Christy to use her disability as an excuse for not being able to function or to rely on medication as a way to control her impulses. But we also acknowledged her gifts and the "out of the box" way she thinks. We kept telling her if she could focus her energy she’d be able to accomplish more than those who aren’t ADHD. She knew about multitasking before it became a good thing. She struggles with the day to day tasks of being an adult but knows instantly who isn’t sincere as she can instantly see right through to the core of those she meets. She taught me about the little understood phrase "never say never." She may struggle but she keeps on trying. And she taught me patience, something she still works on and needs to learn!

Lately I’ve heard the term "a new normal" used with people who lives have been forever changed. I remember how much I wanted to return to how life used to be. Now we need to remember the past as we embrace the future. We need to remember how it used to be so we value the gains that have made us strong while acknowledging how far we still have to go to ensure that those we love can embrace a future that is beyond our wildest imagination. I will enjoy working for The New Hampshire Challenge because the organization values our community history, works hard to keep what is good about it, while helping to define a brighter future.

After all, life isn’t a destination it’s a journey and it is how we travel it that improves the road for those who come after us. I will see all of you down the road….